Thoughts of Wing
by samptra
Summary: The thoughts of the Wing pilot as the war wages on.
1. Love

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not my property, unfortunately.

Author's Note: I decided to try something a little different I needed a break and this is it. A simple collection of extremely short, stand alones I guess. They will tell a story hopefully. Well enjoy my new piece!

Thoughts of Wing

-I-

Love.

L-O-V-E.

A simple enough, for letter word. And yet...yet...I have no idea what it means. The dictionary defines it as 'a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person'.

That means nothing to me.

I've read books on the ideals of love, I've read poetry, sonnets, and plays written to the topic and yet it still leaves me baffled. This undefinable, unknown emotion has me stunned.

I can tell you of bafflement though, the bafflement that was the whirlwind of violet eyes and long hair that suddenly blew into my life. The confusion of this person who refused to be frightened by my cold stares and harsh glances. The unyielding cheerfulness that managed to get to me, working it's way into my ridged existence.

I could also tell you of envy. A painful jealously to be just like him. To be able to live, and fight with such a passion. To believe in something, to hold hope. I gave up hope long ago.

Of longing...the bone deep longing that I was different. That all my emotions hadn't been stamped out in an effort for perfection. That the drugs, the training, the behaviour modification had never been. I long to feel as he does, to laugh, to cry, to live...to love.

But love...this emotion I seek to understand.

I've read how it's crushed empires, ruined great men and women, brought about the fall of nations.

At the same time it's won wars, spoke of peace, created hope where there was once devastation, and brought those back those on the brink of destruction.

I've read all these things, I'm researched it till the dawn hours as you sleep near by, I've contemplated it as I watch you living the life I want to be part of. All this I've seen and observed...yet I'm left wondering.

Is what I'm feeling love?


	2. Future

Thoughts of Wing

-II-

There right are they not?

What they say about me is true isn't it? I'm cold, unyielding...unlovable. There is not a spark of humanity within this 'Perfect Solider'. I wish I could believe that. I wish I could be that.

The others they accept me at face value, but not you.

No not you.

You spoke of life, of what you want to do with it when the war ends.

Future.

I never think of anything beyond the next mission, the next fight...the next life I take. You told me, you want help all those children of war. It's so very much like you. I was smiling you know. Only you could make me do that, could make me feel that way. You asked me what I would want...what I would want to be if there was no war.

I couldn't answer you. I wanted to, I truly did...but I couldn't.

I have none.

My future is undecided.


	3. Perfect

Thoughts of Wing

-III-

Perfect.

I am not.

If I was perfect then it wouldn't hurt so much. It wouldn't hurt every time to shot someone, every time I take another brother, father, nephew, nice, sister, mother... from those who wait for them.

I imagine sometimes their stories. I wonder who waits for them...what the ones they loved would look like...how they would accept the news of death.

It's morbid.

It's bad I know.

But I told him.

In the early dawn hours...whispered confessions from my bed opposite his. I told him of my deep secret.

He didn't condemn me...just smiled...smiled in the pale morning light.

A smile meant only for me.


	4. Hope

Thoughts of Wing

-IV-

Hope.

I never wanted it...never needed it...yet he gave it to me. So simply and easily. With a small smile and gentle touch.

With nothing more then that he gave me something beyond what I can imagine.

He's given me hope for a future...an idea, barely a whisper, but glimmering somewhere in the dark. A future away from war...from death.

A place where we will be free.

A hope for a change in me. A way to push past the training, drugs and modifications. A hope to become someone he'd like...someone he could love.

Most important he gave me that hope for love. A strong, bright beacon calling to me beckoning. Willing me to hope for what I know I'll never deserve.

A hope for his love.


	5. Bad

Thoughts of Wing

-V-

Bad.

I'm bad.

I don't like this feeling, these emotions make me want to scream in pain. So much anger and hate rolling around in my head...desperation.

I should have known though. I feel so wrong.

I want to kill.

For the first time, I want to kill outside a mission. I want to decimate a person for my own satisfaction, not for the benift of any mission, or to save my own life.

He likes her.

He likes her, I can see it. They spend so much time together laughing, talking...all the things I want to do. All the things I wanted to do with him. But now it's her...only her...

Why do I have to feel this way?


	6. Why?

Thoughts of Wing

-VI-

Why?

How did he do it?

How did he manage to make me feel this way?

I've changed... he's made me change. I cannot allow him out of my sight.

All missions...all suicide. I make sure it's me not him.

Always me in the line of fire.

He is a bright light in this time that cannot be lost. He is that hope we are all fighting for.

No.

I lie.

He is what I'm fighting for. No longer peace of all peoples, or the ideals of politicians. I fight for him alone. My blood, and sweat, and the tears I wish to cry are all his. For him alone I fight this war.

For him alone I will win.


	7. End

Thoughts of Wing

-VII-

Is this the end?

Is this how I'm meant to go?

It hurts so much to move. The final fight. The final blasts...the final deaths.

I guess mine is to be the last.


	8. Wrong

Thoughts of Wing

-VIII-

It wasn't supposed to end this way...never once was it to end this way.

I was to die...you where to be happy and free, to live that life I envied so much for so long. It all went wrong. I'm not dead…but to you I might as well be and that's just as bad I think.


	9. Worse

Thoughts of Wing

-VIII-

It wasn't supposed to end this way...never once was it to end this way.

I was to die...you where to be happy and free, to live that life I envied so much for so long. It all went wrong. I'm not dead…but to you I might as well be and that's just as bad I think.


	10. Finale

Thought's of Wing

-X-

Pain, deep unending pain.

The black void stretching out before me, I cannot face it.

Not without you.

Too young they said…even pilots are not immune to death it would seem.

Where you go Duo I follow blindly, to hell itself, and I think that's where I will go…

Maybe then…maybe now…

No end, no beginning.

Only love.

Goodbye.

* * *

_Obituaries-_

_Maxwell, Duo – Beloved friend and fellow fighter who, fought courageously against an impossible foe and lost his life to cancer. He was well loved in life, and to the last took joy in those around him. He will be missed by all. Sleep well Duo, and find peace and freedom from the pain, life was short and cruel but you made the most and each day was brighter for having you in it. "Good night sweet Prince and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest…"_

_2 Days later…_

_Yuy, Heero – Beloved friend, and hero of the world. You saved us all and in the end you could not save yourself. We hope you find freedom from this world, and that you have found what you were looking for. _


End file.
